Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
