My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
