hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
