Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
