My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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