Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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