franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i need some magic done to my vagina
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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