he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
