You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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