Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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