if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
