3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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