I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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