I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
