we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
