i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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