Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
