My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
