Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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