You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
