don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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