omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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