my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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