I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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