Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
