After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
