and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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