Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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