He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
