Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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