I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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