I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
