and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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