the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
don't judge my taste in strippers
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
