Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
