Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
