I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
