By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
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