my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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