I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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