Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
