there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
