Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
