Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
