i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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