Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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