Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
