I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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