The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
