My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
