i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
