Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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